


play me a memory

by thunderylee



Category: KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Backwards Timeline, Canon Universe, Future Fic, Gen, Sex Change, side jin/rina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-24
Updated: 2010-08-24
Packaged: 2019-01-30 09:02:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12650412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: The world seems a lot bigger now that it’s not a stage anymore.





	play me a memory

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck. written for je_ficgames 2010 team future. prompt: break ups are good for the soul.

###  _Love_

One of the songs Ueda likes to play when they’re all together is Piano Man by Billy Joel. Never mind that he has a whole arsenal of original songs he could perform, his own as well as old group songs that are guaranteed to make them all laugh at the old times, but the classic American lounge song is what he feels fits the atmosphere the most. Years later his English pronunciation is still questionable, but the only one of them who would notice is preoccupied with his phone, not in the antisocial way he used to be but showing whoever will look the latest pictures of the three main women in his life.

At one time that would have meant something different; Jin earned quite a reputation while he was still finding himself overseas. Now it applies to his wife of several years and their two beautiful daughters. It still surprises Ueda to this day what Jin has become, more or less giving up his career to be the husband and father he’s always wanted to be, but Ueda can’t deny the genuine expression of happiness that glows from Jin’s non-aging face whenever he takes a break from his family to spend the evening with his old friends.

Ueda’s fingers float gracefully over the keys, his voice easily crooning the familiar notes with a twist of pride that he can actually call them his friends now.

They don’t meet very often, and they didn’t for a long time. After being KAT-TUN for so long, each one of them had to build their individual lives without that possession before their names. For some it was easy – Koki and Taguchi, for instance, elected to remain in the spotlight. Koki’s was by complete accident, the right person happening upon him on the street while he was wearing something of his own creation, and the next thing Ueda heard was the nearly extinct voice of an excited teenager at heart who had been offered a chance to make his own clothes and jewelry, now owning a series of stores scattered across Japan with a decent amount of Internet sales overseas. Taguchi, meanwhile, was the only ex-member to continue working for Johnny to date, taking over Nakamaru’s post as Shounen Club host with NEWS’s Koyama and being added to the always-changing group ABC-Z^6 just before their debut.

Watching Taguchi now, chattering animatedly to people who may or may not be listening, Ueda can’t decide which is worse – Taguchi and Koyama MCing together or Taguchi and Goseki MCing together. Either way, he’s sure there isn’t a lot of actual music being performed.

Nakamaru is yet again accompanied by a stack of papers and Ueda smiles fondly, always grateful for having some kind of partner in the working world. The two least popular of the once world-famous boyband, they could both get away with walking down the street ten years later without being mauled by die-hard fangirls. Ueda usually kept to his cave of a lounge, named The Rabbit and The Wolf without a second thought, but Nakamaru worked hard to finish university and now passes his knowledge down to the next generation. A science teacher at an all-girls school, Ueda remembers laughing for hours when he first learned about it but their oldest lives his _life_ for these girls, his precious students whom year after year mock his clothing but take his words to heart.

Technically Kame is working too, even if Ueda has to squint to recognize him now. It’s been long enough that he doesn’t struggle with pronouns anymore – it doesn’t matter what’s under Kame’s clothes, he will always be the insufferable little boy who existed to please everyone else in every possible way. Ueda sees that same determination in his eyes now, which are just as painted and thickly-lined as they were back then, only this time he’s pleasing himself as well. At least the hormones have made his complexion better; Kame’s confidence is more natural as a woman, or whatever stage he’s at in the process of officially becoming one. Ueda would rather not think of the details even if the memory of the other’s faces when Kame showed up with his new breasts still makes Ueda laugh until he cries.

Somehow, he understands. It took them ten years together and ten years apart to finally find their respective places in this world, and it was natural how they found each other again after spending so long at each other’s throats. Near the end, Ueda remembers hating all of them for reasons that he’s not proud of, but he’s glad he experienced those rough times because it’s _because_ of that hate that he can say with certainty that he’s come to love every single one of them. Like a brother, like a friend, like the leader he never was.

Koki smiles openly, no longer concerned with any kind of image as he shines brighter than his accessories with platinum hair and a pink drink. On one side of him, Taguchi looks like he’ll explode from happiness from just being there, regardless of whether he’s being shown Koki’s latest line or Jin’s recent pictures or just listening to Ueda sing casually. He was always the one who wanted them to be happy together, ignoring the tense atmosphere in favor of lightening things up and, at the very least, causing the other five to unite against him. It took a long time for Ueda to see why Taguchi always grinned so big when they made fun of him.

On the other side, Kame stares at himself in the mirror behind the bar, his tilted head showing his afterthought attention to the chatter around him. Still vain as ever but a lot more comfortable in this skin, his true femininity no longer locked inside him now that his voice is higher and his figure is curvier. Only those who were really close to him would have seen the signs; admittedly Ueda was not one of them even if it made complete sense when he found out about it. In a way, they’ve always been weirdly protective of their youngest, but now it’s justified when Jin glares at strangers who give Kame creepy looks and Koki mutters under his breath about punching anyone who touches him. Nakamaru will just sit closer to him, shielding him like he were one of his students, while Ueda lectures Kame on dressing less like a whore and keeps a sweater behind the bar for when the other completely ignores him.

In a strange way, it’s like nothing changed. The grown up caricatures of the kids he once knew, the teenage boys who looked at the world with wide, curious eyes until the fame they once idolized made them jaded. It took them not walking this path together anymore to appreciate what they once had, which was lost long before they even debuted.

And this time he can lead them properly.

###  _Dream_

“This is what I’ve always wanted,” Jin says shakily, gripping his glass with both hands. “It’s what I am here on this earth for.”

Ueda has heard these words from this man many, many times over the years, but this is the first time the glass contains only juice. “They’ll understand.”

“Will they?” Jin challenges, eyes red with sobriety and the weight of the situation. “They already hate me. They think I am the reason KAT-TUN was dissolved-”

He’s stopped by Koki’s fist in his shoulder, serious enough to sting but sympathetic enough to avoid his face. His stern expression wavers a bit at Jin’s pout, but he holds his ground. “I told you the next time you said that I would punch you.”

“Six people made up KAT-TUN,” Kame says simply, whispering because his voice was still in an awkward transformation stage that was reminiscent of puberty reversed. “We all take equal responsibility for the group.”

“Which is probably the reason why it no longer exists,” Ueda jokes affectionately.

There is a sea of comfortable laughter, even from Jin’s worried features. Nakamaru clears his throat nervously, approaching the distraught solo artist with a twitch that would soon fade away in his educator shoes. “Don’t you think your fans want you to be happy?”

“It’s not like that anymore-” Jin argues, and Ueda frowns at his point.

“It doesn’t matter what they think,” Koki cuts him off. “Everyone who actually cares about you as a person and not a sex icon knows that your dream was to have a family. Now you have one and it’s not fair to them to be second best to your career.”

“You can still work, can’t you?” Nakamaru presses, taking a different approach. “You don’t have to tour overseas or spend all of your time in a studio to do things like write songs.”

“Rina-chan said I could… stay home,” Jin says quietly, like it’s something shameful to admit. “She just got promoted to assistant editor-in-chief, so our finances would be secure even without me working. I’ve already put aside tuition for both of the girls, through university should they decide to go that route. Our house is paid for, our credit is manageable, and we don’t need luxurious things anymore. We would actually save a lot of money on daycare.”

“Sounds like you’ve really thought this out,” Ueda says gently. He already knows what Jin wants to do, can see it on his face. Just like he always could. “Maybe you could try it for a little while and see how it goes? At least while your daughters are so young.”

Jin’s nodding before he’s even done talking, but his face is still conflicted. “I don’t know- I mean, they’re so… they look at me like I have all of the answers, but they’re the ones teaching _me_ everything. My mom says that’s normal, but if I’m at home all the time then I need to be some kind of influence and I’m not sure if I can do it right.”

“If you are trying to say that you don’t want to stay home because you fail at being a father, I’m going to punch you again,” Koki says evenly.

Jin instinctively grabs his shoulder and speaks very fast. “We can’t put Sayari in school until next year but she wants to learn how to read and write. She follows the subtitles on TV and memorizes the kanji but when I sit down with her to teach her the readings, she doesn’t get it and we both get frustrated, then Haruka sees us upset and starts crying, and Rina doesn’t have time to-”

This time Koki smacks him upside the head. “You are the absolute last person who should be teaching anyone anything.”

Ueda smiles at the way Jin laughs. “I suppose that’s true.”

“Um,” Nakamaru speaks up, fidgeting with his hands as the others turn to look at him, particularly Jin with his hopeful eyes. “I could try, if you want.”

“Try what?” Jin’s voice is forced skeptical. “Teaching my daughter to read?”

Nakamaru nods. “I wasn’t going to say anything until it’s official, but my counselor thinks I should take a teaching exam after graduation. Apparently I’m good at explaining things, or something.” He swallows. “Maybe this would be good practice?”

The fear of being ridiculed is evident on his face, but his features relax considerably when Jin’s face lights up. “I would be grateful, and totally pay you. In food.”

“I’ll do my best,” Nakamaru says firmly, and that is that.

“Idol turned teacher,” Ueda comments, smirking at the way Nakamaru blushes. “That will be interesting to see.”

Truer words have never been spoken as Ueda realizes that they’re all aiming for their own skies in one way or another. Ten years ago he would have never seen Jin as a father worried about raising his little girls properly, nor Nakamaru as a possible educator with the future of Japan in his hands. The two are connected in a way that Ueda thinks they have been since the beginning, one relying on the other for support long after the final curtain fell on them.

A few months later when Jin brings Sayari to the lounge to proudly read the menu for everyone, Ueda feels a little bit responsible for the way both Jin and Nakamaru are boasting with pride.

###  _Eternity_

Kame pushes around the plastic neon umbrella in his glass, whiskey on the rocks that has watered down from neglect. “You guys can start laughing anytime.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” Taguchi says honestly, speechless for one of the first times since they’ve all known him. “I can’t even think of any puns to make.”

“You _broke_ him,” Jin gasps in fake incredulity. “ _Thank you_.”

“Does this mean…” Koki begins awkwardly, eyes glancing obviously down Kame’s still masculine form.

“Yes,” Kame snaps, sending Koki’s gaze back to his own lap. “I will be entirely female.”

“Boobs and everything?” Jin asks, only appearing mildly interested.

“Boobs and everything,” Kame confirms. “It will take a long time, but hormone injections mean less operations and more of a natural look.”

“You’re serious,” Nakamaru finally speaks up, eyes wide and mouth parted in genuine shock. “You’re really going to do this.”

“Yeah,” Kame says, a little too casually for the situation. “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and it’s just… I don’t really expect you guys to understand.”

Ueda does, actually. To the point where he can’t voice it because he doesn’t know how to say ‘I’ve always thought you were kind of a girl’ without getting hit. Feminine or not, Kame packs a mean punch.

“What will you _do_?” Taguchi asks, still in visible awe. “I mean, once it’s over and done.”

“I could do anything, couldn’t I?” Kame shrugs, staring unseeingly into the distance and smiling at what he does see. “I’ll be a completely new person. But still _me_.”

Koki still looks uncomfortable, but he’s the first one to flash a supportive smile. “I’ll definitely design you something pretty to wear.”

“But you don’t have a women’s clothing line,” Nakamaru points out.

“I’ll have to create one, won’t I?” Koki contests. “Otherwise I’ll actually have to buy Kame real birthday presents from now on.”

Now Kame laughs out loud. “You’re taking this a lot better than I thought.”

“I’m sure it will sink in once you start… changing,” Jin says slowly, cringing a little at the thought. “I can’t really see you that way, to be honest. I keep thinking of all of the times you crossdressed and… yeah.”

“Yeah, those were pretty bad,” Kame agrees, and he and Jin share a knowing laugh. “It will look better when I have a more feminine body, I promise.”

“Does this mean you like guys?” Koki asks bluntly, but his eyes give away his own interest in the question.

Ueda watches Kame’s face carefully as he mulls his words over in his head. “I’m sure the hormones will clear that up for me as well,” he eventually answers.

Koki seems to accept this and stares at Kame like he’s engraving his face of right now to memory. Seeing the obvious, Ueda wonders if Kame’s physical gender has ever actually mattered to the rapper at all. It sure doesn’t matter to Ueda, even if his only consolation from the visions of female vixen Kame running the town is that he won’t be able to get pregnant.

The most noticeable changes are in the first year, which Kame spends practically living at Ueda’s lounge because he’s not ready to brave the public yet. Despite seeing him so often, even Ueda sees the gradual transformation from Kame the scrawny male to Kame the waif-like female, a softness filling his face while his muscles become less structured and his middle widens. He grows his hair out and starts buying women’s clothes, investing in push-up gel bras until he goes under the knife for the real thing.

“I paid a lot for these,” Kame tells them, his voice not as deep but still clearly male as he stands before them in a rather skanky dress held up by his new rack. “It would be rude if you _didn’t_ look.”

Koki spreads his fingers to reveal eyes that are nearly bulging out of his head. “I am so fucked up right now.”

“They’re kind of small, aren’t they?” Jin comments with a wrinkled nose.

“ _I’m_ kind of small,” Kame shoots back. “It would look ridiculous if they were any bigger.”

“You look good,” Taguchi tells him, sounding surprised. “Like a real girl.”

“You look like a hooker,” Ueda elaborates from behind the bar, frowning at him in disapproval. “Please wear proper attire in my building from now on.”

“Oh, Tatchan,” Kame says carelessly, blushing a little and it’s actually cute.

Koki covers his face some more while Nakamaru intently studies the pattern of the tablecloth on the booths behind them. Ueda feels their pain a little but resolves to think of the newly female Kame like the younger sister he never had. It’s easier than he initially thought it would be, being as he used to feel that way towards Kame in the very beginning days of KAT-TUN. They were the main pair who fought the most but it was more like siblings than rivals, and Ueda doesn’t see it being any different now.

He may have to punch Koki in the face if he doesn’t stop staring lewdly at Kame, though. Even if Kame appears to be inviting that kind of attention.

“I still have a dick,” Kame informs them all, reading the question on everyone’s face. “For now.”

Koki winces audibly. “I can’t decide whether that’s comforting or not.”

Nakamaru pats him on the shoulder awkwardly.

The silence is shattered by Jin’s hip-hop ringtone, something about sexy bitches that is undoubtedly assigned to his longtime girlfriend. “I had to tell her,” he says defensively as he holds up his phone to snap a picture of Kame (who instinctively puffs up his cheeks and flashes the peace sign). “You’re convincing enough that she might think I was cheating on her, then Pi will try to kick my ass again.”

Ueda snorts at the memory of the first time the NEWS leader tried to play protective big brother. They’d ended up battling it out over beer pong until Yamapi called his sister and drunkenly told her not to be so jealous. Ueda had saluted her when she’d stormed into his lounge and dragged them both out by their ears.

“She wants to take you shopping,” Jin tells Kame as he reads his new message. “Apparently she shares Tatchan’s assessment of your occupation.”

Kame rolls his eyes, but Ueda can see that he’s pleased with his progress. “Fine.”

Taguchi is still eyeing him thoughtfully. “Does it feel different?”

The new lumps on Kame’s chest rise and fall with his resulting deep breath as he appears to be considering the question. “Yeah,” he finally says. “It feels right.”

“Then I’m happy for you,” Taguchi says firmly. “A toast! To our Kameko finally coming out of his shell.”

They all groan. “Please don’t start calling me that,” Kame adds. “I’m changing my name to Kazue, but it would be weird if you guys called me anything but Kame.”

“Kazue,” Koki tests out, the syllables sounding foreign on his tongue. “Kazue-chan.”

A faint smile appears on Kame’s face, one that makes Ueda narrow his eyes at Koki. He’s not the only one, Jin’s disapproval joining his while Nakamaru tightens his hand on Koki’s shoulder and Taguchi just looks amused.

It’s a good thing they have forever to get used to it.

###  _Hope_

The Shounen Club plays on the TVs mounted on the newly painted walls of The Rabbit and The Wolf, but Ueda claims that he’s just too lazy to change the channel. The truth is that he watches all of Taguchi’s appearances as he prepares to open for business, finds a sense of familiarity in watching the other sing and dance like he’s carrying on KAT-TUN’s legacy by himself.

Even if ABC-Z^6 is the exact opposite of everything KAT-TUN ever was. Taguchi is still the same, cracking bad jokes with his high-on-life smile, but now he’s in good company. Ueda is pretty sure that if they wanted to, Taguchi and Goseki could take over the world solely with their special brand of humor that makes you want to roll your eyes while you can’t stop laughing at the same time. Taguchi fits in with those five in a way he never did with KAT-TUN, even if their differences were the overall basis of their appeal.

It’s the main reason they’re still friends after the dissolution, anyway. It hasn’t been that long but it’s safe to say that they get along better now than while they were active, working together so long in such close proximity that it wasn’t kind to any internal relationships and alliances that were formed as juniors. Jin had been gone for awhile anyway, officially and unofficially, and the group was never really the same without him. Their niche was shattered, their entire purpose gone. They spent a few years trying to find a new one and failed miserably, the low album and tour sales only adding to the disorientation of all five remaining members who felt out of place trying to be a group they clearly weren’t, unable to compare to the group they once were.

Ueda was so angry during this time, a complete contrast to the man of now who is polishing his counter and examining different-sized glasses for spots. Thinking back on it now, he wasted so much of his energy trying to save them that he doesn’t have any left to be concerned for the future, completely calm and unworried about the success of his establishment. If people come, they come. If they don’t, he’ll close down and do something else.

The world seems a lot bigger now that it’s not a stage anymore. Even at his age, the possibilities really are endless.

If he’s nervous about anything, it’s whether his old group will be reformed here tonight. He sent out proper invitations, utilizing his parents’ connections because despite keeping in touch with them via email and seeing Nakamaru on occasion, he doesn’t have any of their physical addresses and hasn’t even spoke to Kame since their last meeting as KAT-TUN. At first he’d wanted it to be a surprise, but the name he’d chosen would definitely defeat the purpose of any anonymity.

Koki shows up first, game face in place as he takes in the dark decor and nods his head. “It’s definitely you.”

Kame is next, looking just as lost as he is any other time, and Ueda doesn’t think it has anything to do with the lounge. He still gets drama leads but it looks unfulfilling, his eyes void of any kind of personality when he’s not playing a particular character. Ueda has always felt a kind of attachment to that one and hopes that he finds himself soon.

Taguchi’s brightness offsets the dim lighting, still the same unobservant jokester he’s been for years, on camera and off. He’s as modest as ever too, bragging about the complex acrobatic moves he gets to do with ABC-Z^6 and how his new bandmates all adore him because they finally got to debut when Taguchi was added. If it was anyone else Ueda would write him off as being stuck up, but for Taguchi it’s just how he is.

Jin strolls in next, looking worse for wear but relaxed after his European tour just ended last week. Ueda had consulted his schedule first (courtesy of their mothers) and lured Jin with the promise of free booze, even if drinking seemed to be the last thing on his mind as he took a seat at the bar.

“Yamashita Rina just confessed to me,” he announced, sounding like he didn’t believe it himself. “Like a few minutes ago, yelling across four lanes of traffic at the top of her lungs.”

“Are you sure it was her?” Koki asks logically. “You are famous all over the world, you know.”

“I would know those eyes anywhere,” Jin goes on, swallowing hard. “She nearly killed herself crossing the street to get to me, but she said that she’d promised herself if she ever saw me again she would tell me how she feels, because she’s not the kind of girl who wastes time pining away for anyone.”

“I can see that,” Taguchi says with a grin. “Yamapi was on Shokura last week and he was talking about how his sister has grown into a feisty adult who makes him clean up after himself when he comes home to visit.”

“Oh god, _Pi_ ,” Jin groans, the relation clearly just occurring to him. “How will I tell him? He’s going to kill me.”

“Are you going to go out with her?” Ueda asks as he dries a glass.

“We have a date tomorrow,” Jin says, checking the appointment calendar on his phone like he would have forgotten it in the short time since he entered it in. “After all that, I _have_ to take her out.”

“Have you even talked to her lately?” Koki folds his arms skeptically. “You were gone for a few months this time.”

“We’re Facebook friends,” Jin explains, looking a little sheepish. “I actually messaged with her a lot while I was away. But this still comes as a complete surprise.”

“You’re on Facebook?” Taguchi asks casually, and Jin visibly cringes. “I’m on Facebook too! We should be friends.”

“Um, sure,” Jin says distractedly. “Where’s Nakamaru?”

“Late, as usual,” Ueda answers fondly. “He had a class tonight.”

“I wonder what he will do,” Kame speaks up, musing out loud and sounding grateful for someone else’s indecision. “After he finishes school, of course. Although it shouldn’t take him nearly as long as he thought it would now.”

“I don’t know,” Ueda tells him honestly. “Everything is so up in the air right now. In a way he’s lucky to have school to fall back on.”

Kame nods his understanding. “You seem to be going in some kind of direction here. What made you decide to open a bar?”

“Lounge,” Ueda corrects. “I’m not sure, actually. I was walking by one day, saw the For Sale sign, and decided to check it out. The next thing I knew I was signing papers and applying for permits. I don’t even know what kind of atmosphere it will have, really. You guys are my first patrons.”

“That piano looks familiar,” Koki says as he eyes the instrument across the empty room. “Isn’t that from your parents’ house?”

“A gift,” Ueda says. “Apparently it’s just been collecting dust since I left home and it will probably get more use here even if I only play it sporadically.”

Jin bangs his fist down on the bar pointedly. “Sing us a song, you’re the piano man! Sing us a song tonight!”

Rolling his eyes, Ueda humors him and takes a seat on the bench. “I accept tips, by the way.”

Four pairs of hands clapping sounds like a theater of applause with the acoustics in this room, and Ueda closes his eyes as he begins to play. The song Jin had been singing, the song he’s known for awhile, the song that’s oddly appropriate to this place and their situation right now.

When he opens his eyes, Nakamaru is there too, looking as plain as ever with short hair and glasses, and Ueda can’t stop smiling.

Maybe there’s hope for them after all.

###  _And… Bye-Bye_

The locker punches Koki back, leaving him even more pissed off and red-faced now with added swear words. Ordinarily Nakamaru would step in and try to calm him down, but this time he wisely keeps his distance because this isn’t any old temper tantrum Koki is throwing.

They really are over. Johnny is pulling the plug on what’s left of KAT-TUN.

Kame quietly packs up his belongings while Taguchi hums to himself as he does the same, the room they’ve known for years becoming nothing but white walls and empty lockers. Ueda watches them motionlessly, taking in everything one last time. Who knows if they’ll ever see each other again; they haven’t been the best of acquaintances lately. Kame will still act and Koki and Taguchi will probably stick around the industry, but Nakamaru looks completely devastated and Ueda has no desire to ever step foot in this building again.

The tension in the air is only escalated by Kame’s phone going off, a boring monotone beep because Kame’s not adventurous enough to have actual downloaded ringtones. Ueda surveys him in minimal interest as his eyes scan the incoming message and he snorts in a very unattractive mocking way.

“I sent Akanishi an email with the news and he replied with ‘who is this?'” he shares with the room.

“Typical,” Koki mutters. “He probably doesn’t even care.”

“Stop it,” Nakamaru demands before Ueda can open his mouth. “This isn’t his fault.”

“Says you,” Kame snaps.

They’re being unreasonable, Ueda knows, but he can’t deny that it feels good to blame someone. Across the world, singing and dancing and living his dream, Jin should be able to shoulder it.

Ueda glances at his locker and decides there’s nothing in there he cares to take with him to the next stage of his life. “Good work until now,” he says carelessly, turning on his heel and walking straight out the door, hands in his pockets and the crisp autumn air biting at his cheeks.

It’s not until he’s alone that he allows himself to feel the reality of the situation, the past ten years of being KAT-TUN’s U catching up with him. There were just as many good times as bad, like any kind of relationship, and it feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders now that he doesn’t have to pretend to try anymore. Should any of them happen to meet again, it will be under much better circumstances, less forced and more enjoyable than the past years have been.

He hopes that when they cross paths again, they’ll face each other as their true selves.

His arms wrap around his knees as he sits on his bed in his empty apartment, looking forward to the future for the first time in a long awhile. A lone tear falls from one eye, taking him by surprise and feeling completely out of place until he realizes that it’s a tear of _joy_.

This is only the beginning.


End file.
